DOMINATRIX TAKES ON DR. LAURA: AN S&M REBUTTAL
By Nancy Ava Miller, M.Ed.
Copyright 1998 by Nancy Ava Miller
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Whether you want a well-heeled hubby or a hubby who heels well, you should pay
attention to these women:
Dr. Laura Schlessinger-The world's most adept verbal spanker scolds her radio
listeners into being self-disciplined…
Top Ten Conservative Women
WHAP! Magazine (Women Who Administer Punishment)
A State University of New York trustee and two state lawmakers yesterday
demanded the New Paltz campus president resign over a college conference on
S&M, sex toys and lesbianism…
[University President] Bowen said that while he found some aspects of the event
offensive, he could not impose his opinions on the conference without violating
organizers' right to free expression.
"If the university cannot host speakers and conferences of all ideological
and philosophical shades, then it will have lost its soul," he said.
Titled "Revolting Behavior: The Challenges of Women's Sexual Freedom,"
last weekend's conference drew about 250 participants. Workshops included
"Sex Toys for Women" and "Safe, Sane & Consensual S&M: An
Alternate Way of Loving."
New York Post, November 7, 1997
PEP is also concerned with correcting the erroneous stereotyping connected
with D&S, S&M (sadomasochism), and B&D (bondage and discipline). We
are not violent, sick, or perverted individuals. Of course, every segment of
society can claim its share of the insane and criminals but this is not what
dominance and submission is all about, and there is no evidence to hint that
there are more evil, violent people among the S&M community than anywhere
else in society.
We in the S&M community tire of being stereotyped. We are not violent, we
are not perverted, we are not evil, we are not insane, we are not rapists, we
are not batterers, and we are not child molesters; we are merely concerned with
enhancing our sexuality through safe, consensual, loving interplay of dominant
and submissive roles.
PEP-People Exchanging Power-S&M support groups
It is now clear that most masochists live normal, well-adjusted lives. Apart from their sex lives, they are pretty much like anyone else. Masochism is not a sign of being sick or maladjusted. Masochism is certainly unusual, statistically speaking. Strange? Yes, probably. Weird? Maybe. But sick? No.
Roy F. Baumeister, Ph.D
On November 5, 1997, morality pundit Dr. Laura Schlessinger addressed the topic of S&M (sadomasochism) on her nationally syndicated radio talk show. For those unhip to radio trivia, Dr. Laura reigns second only to the great Rush Limbaugh in terms of listenership. Her big "schtick" is family values. Any hanky-panky outside of the sacred marriage covenant doesn't rank high with the good doctor, although Gay is okay as long as (1) one isn't promiscuous, (2) homosexuality doesn't conflict with one's religion, and (3) Gays don't attempt to adopt an infant. (Adoption of a mature child is acceptable because otherwise an older kid might live out its days in foster care or in a residential facility. Having Gay parents, then, beats the orphanage!)
Recently, Dr. Laura received a faxed story concerning a tax-funded college seminar on female sexuality. The workshop featured information on "safe sadomasochism" and other forms of alternative sexuality. Dr. Laura, upset with the notion of public monies supporting such open discussion, utilized the article as a springboard to express her feelings about S&M, referring to S&M as "sick" and equating it with kiddy-sex and with the dangerous practice of auto-asphyxiation (which has, in fact, caused death in a number of cases). Dr. Laura also pooh-poohed the notion that women would even be interested in S&M as an erotic possibility. On what basis did the radio queen make this assumption? She emphasized that-during conclaves with her cohorts in the Ladies' Room-the topic of S&M never comes up: Ergo, women in general must have little or no interest in such sex.
But Nancy Ava Miller-dominatrix/author/sex educator/S&M group leader-begs on
bended legs to differ. On November 11, in response to Doctor Laura's comments on
S&M, Nancy faxed the following letter to the famed talk show host:
AN OPEN LETTER ON S&M TO DR. LAURA
November 10, 1997
Dearest Dr. Laura…
As one in the Sex Biz', I'm probably the last person you would peg as a devoted and avid listener to the "Dr. Laura Show." From time to time, I even agree with you, Dr. Laura-your opinion, that is, and not necessarily with your communicative approach which strikes me as insulting and rude, as if you are exasperated by the qualms, questions, and quandaries of the callers-persons whom it seems you consider quite stupid to have landed themselves in the so-called "moral dilemmas" which propel them to call a radio guru for guidance, edification, advice, and solace. Usually I get a kick out of your naggy (your word: "nag") responses. After all, they're only opinions, right? But yesterday, dear Dr. Laura, I heard you voice some misinformation-misleading and dangerous-about the sexual proclivity known as "S&M" or sadomasochism.
This discussion regarding S&M, as you no doubt recall, was sparked by the news that public monies were spent on a college seminar concerning female sexuality. Now, Doctor, you and I may actually be holding hands when it comes to whether or not tax-dollars should be spent on such shenanigans. But, dear Dr. Laura, you were way off base by referring to S&M as "sick" and by lumping in S&M erotica with such practices as kiddy-sex and auto-asphyxiation. You also err in believing—because trysts with your comrades in the Ladies' Room have never produced conversation about S&M fantasies, interests, or obsessions—that therefore women do not experience these longings. I just returned from a S&M fetish ball in Dallas (attendance: 800 plus) where approximately half the attendees were gals. In addition, I have led, since 1986, S&M support groups throughout the USA, and I can assure you, Doctor, that women everywhere ARE definitely drawn to S&M as a -shall we say?-"sexual possibility." The people attracted to dominant/submissive erotica, bye the bye, are not necessarily-say-Gay or young or stupid or confused. The profile of the average S&Mer reveals an older, well-educated, highly intelligent individual with a professional career and above average income with less propensity towards suicide then most other Americans and more psychologically sound to boot. Age range? At the support groups, I once saw mainly folks about 35-55, but that is changing and the twenty-somethings are now also seeking and embracing the intelligence, intimacy, passion, compassion trust, communication, commitment, spirituality, and love that most S&M situations embody. Given this reality-that generally S&M is based on intimacy, trust, soul, psyche, spirit, and love-it is erroneous to equate S&M in any way with the criminal act of pedophilia-often harmful to children—or with the dangerous and not too sane practice of masturbating with a noose snug upon one's neck.
Dr. Laura-S&M is NOT about pain, or cruelty, or violence, or abuse, or about rape or child molestation. As hundreds of thousands of sane people throughout the land realize vis-a-vis their own significant relationships-vis-a-vis their readings, experimentations, sexual explorations, and sexual pleasures-S&M is about (more than anything else) LOVE.
And with that, dear Dr. Laura, I will sign off with love to you as well…
Truly,
Nancy Ava Miller
Founder: PEP-People Exchanging Power S&M Fetish Support Groups nationwide
P.S. I would be happy and honored to further communicate with you regarding
our differing sexual philosophies-via a conversation, on or off the air-but I
must warn you, Dr. Laura, although I am an S&M aficionado, I'm not
masochistic or into verbal humiliation, nor am I turned-on by rudeness, ergo,
should I be fortunate enough to speak with you, I must request that you forego
your usual modus operandi of insults and exasperation and, for once, behave like
a "mensch". Dr. Laura-you'd make one helluva dominatrix. And thank you
for the many hours of radio entertainment.
MORE FROM SM EXPERT DR. ROY F. BAUMEISTER
When faxing Dr. Laura in an attempt to enlighten her about S&M, Nancy included the article "Masochism: An Alternative Intimacy" by Dr. Roy F Baumeister. The article originally appeared in The Spectator (Vol. 22, No. 14 June 30-July 6, 1989). It contains the following quotes. (Note: Dr. Baumeister uses the term "masochism" to mean S&M in general.)
Is masochism a form of love or of hate? There has been a lot of debate on this, but both sides are wrong. Masochism has nothing to do with hate. And it is not quite a form of love, although it offers an alternative form of intimacy.
Masochism doesn't necessarily involve love. It is possible to engage in S&M with someone you're not in love with. Nor does masochism make love redundant: People seem to prefer to do it with people they love.
What's clear, though, is that masochism produces an intense bond of intimacy between two people, even if it's only temporary. The masochist submerges his or her will, personality, even identity, in the dominant partner. The importance of intimacy can be seen in sexual fantasies to involve long-term relationships, stable partners and intimates or lovers. (This conclusion is based on statistical comparison of masochistic versus other sexual fantasies.) Masochists are heavily relationship-oriented.
Masochism is thus not the same as love, but it offers an emotional and passionate feeling of closeness that is similar. I think the best way to view masochism is as an alternative intimacy. Masochism can be enjoyed without love, because intimacy is usually rewarding. Or it can be employed within a love relationship, to add a new dimension of relating to your loved one.
Although the experts are just beginning to form this new way of understanding
masochism, don't expect society to change quickly. There are a lot of entrenched
prejudices, and attitudes change very slowly….
If you are a masochist, or if someone close to you is, the main thing is not to
worry that there's something wrong with you. There are probably a couple million
other Americans with the same desires, and the vast majority of them are healthy
and well adjusted. But don't expect society at large to make it easy for you. It
will take a small miracle for society to revise its prejudices, and miracles
take time.
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please email Nova at
PEP
Web Mistress@aol.com or
Nancy Ava Miller at
Nancy@peplove.com. Or
call Nova, any hour,
(505) 859-7630
or Nancy, any
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