Domination at a Distance
by
Nancy Ava Miller, M.Ed.
Twice...
Three times the telephone rang, emitting a sound not unlike a bird gargling.
Another horny guy, I figured—desperate, confused, frustrated and probably guilty. Sad to say, that’s the profile of the typical caller I get. It’s to be expected, I guess, since my main claim to infamy is that I create and lead S&M support groups nationwide.
The phone pleaded for my attention one last time. I grabbed the receiver and there, on the other end, was not a horny man at all, but Barb from southern New Mexico. I remembered her at once—her brilliance and sincerity, plus the tales of her forays with husband Herb into the world of female dominance.
A while back, Herb plopped Barb down for a heart-to-heart and confessed: He was obsessed! He was kinky! He longed to be dominated by his wife! He wanted to be bound, blindfolded, and dressed in size 10 ladies’ heels. Thus began one couple’s explorations into the erotic realm of dominance and submission.
Barb soon discovered she enjoyed the role of dominatrix; it suited her well—the leather, the power, the fun. But wait! Barb’s dominance was real and natural—not a “role” at all. As she experimented with dildos, rope, and riding crop, the subtle yet profound benefits of a dominant-submissive relationship revealed themselves to her.
In her book, Erotic Power (Citadel Press, Secaucus, NM, 1983), Dr. Gini Graham Scott writes:
In such a relationship, (participants) explain, that D&S (dominant-submissive) play helps to bring the partners closer together, as they share their most intimate fantasies. To make their D&S activity more pleasurable, they must communicate well, and not only about sexual matters. But this sexual openness enhances their trust and thus their ability to share intimate non-sexual parts of themselves as well. In turn, the process of communicating their feelings helps them to look more deeply within themselves.
For Barb the benefits were obvious—the intensity of love and communication, the melding of two souls, two hearts, two minds, as two people grew closer and closer through shared erotic passion.
But something was wrong!
“He wants more than I can give,” Barb confessed to me. “He wants 10-hour S&M scenes. An hour or two, yes, but after that it becomes a burden, a chore.”
Barb was describing a common phenomenon, something I see often in heterosexual submissive men; a desire for more and more—more pain, tighter bondage, more attention, more time, more love, an increased arsenal of dildos, nipple clamps, leather doo-dads, and (sometimes) more dominant women.
Does this syndrome spring—as I theorize—from a lack suffered during years of loneliness, frustration, and guilt, when a man keeps his urge to be submissive hidden? Many men deny such cravings to wives and lovers before finally admitting their fantasies, even to themselves. Some men, of course, never admit and embrace their nagging obsession. A persistent vision of being chained and helpless, forced to smell and suck deep pink pussy meat, forced to wear garter belts and panties beneath polyester suit pants, forced to accept an enema nozzle while (remember: we’re talking fantasy!) surrounded by ominous leather lesbians who ridicule the size of one’s erection. Male sexual submission, you see, does not give rise to your everyday fuck-and-be-gone fantasies. The day-dreams, night dreams, and wet dreams of a male submissive are not apt to win the stamp of approval from fundamentalists, right-wingers, and the Moral Majority. Nor would they please the average mother, girlfriend, or bride. Small wonder some of these men develop an insatiable desire for a dominant-submissive relationship during those lean decades of longing and subterfuge. Trying to recapture lost opportunity, Herb finagles, begs, and manipulates his wife into dominating him whenever there’s a spare hour or ten, even if she isn’t in the mood.
Dr. Scott discussed this tendency towards manipulation. She describes two types of submissive men. The “natural male submissive” is passive by nature and wants to be submissive in all aspects of his life.” Most submissive gents do not fall into this category. The are instead “male balancers.” Dr. Scott writes:
In their everyday lives, (male balancers) project the image of the typical, well-socialized American male—outwardly strong and assertive, and frequently quite successful in a responsible, high-level job. Yet these generally assertive males enjoy sexual submission, finding the unusualness of assuming the passive role in the power exchange to be erotic....
...(male balancers) experience many different sexual and psychic pleasures while being submissive, and there are many ways in which being submissive balances their otherwise aggressive nature. Yet, even as they seek submission, they do not give up their power or will completely. They may have a specific agenda for being submissive in a certain way or may only fantasize about being submissive. To achieve this end they may surreptitiously manipulate a dominant woman into enabling them to be submissive in the way they wish.
Whether the man manipulates out of past denial and loneliness or out of an assertive personality temporarily reversed for erotic purposes, the results are the same: frustration and dissatisfaction for the dominatrix. Ostensibly, the submissive serves the dominant; he functions for her pleasure and entertainment, to bring her fulfillment. But, when the man—like Herb—craves more and more from his mistress, she sometimes becomes enslaved by his needs and is pressured into distasteful situations, like the 10-hour S&M extravaganzas Barb described.
What’s a lady to do?
One answer may lie in domination at a distance. While the telephone ladies of the night—those breathy storytellers of the 900 lines—may be masters (or mistresses) of the love-away-from-home games, I personally have carried on many a romance with men dwelling many miles from my own domicile, too.
Fortunately I learned early-on in my mistress-slave escapades that actual physical presence is not necessary to dominate a man. That’s where collars, dildos, enema bags, and a rampant imagination come in handy—when mistress is far from home. Ah—the scenes I recall!
Once, I mailed “Boy” a garter belt and black hose. Boy received the package the day he was leaving for the East Coast to help me with a new S&M support group. My letter, wrapped amidst the stockings read: “Here is a surprise. Wear these girly things beneath your trousers during the trip. Make sure your dick is hard when you arrive at Baltimore Airport.”
This resulted in hours of submission and sexual excitement for my slave. And, yes, his dick was hard when he reached Baltimore!
I sometimes command men to record entries in an erotic journal. I dictate when, where and how often they are to masturbate, or not masturbate. I tell them what underwear to wear (bikini) and how to behave towards women (complimentary). I order them to sleep with my photograph under a pillow at night and to insert various implements into various orifices—all while hundreds or thousands of miles form the gents in question.
Is a dominant-submissive lifestyle for everyone? Many men, like Herb, long for that woman in black, garbed in leather boots and wielding a riding crop. How many men are submissive? Dr. Scott writes: “About two-thirds of the fantasies reported by Nancy Friday in her book Men’s Sexual Fantasies have elements of male submission.” But finding women with a propensity for domination can be difficult.
I once wrote that, for every 100 submissive men who inquire about my S&M support groups, I receive only one call from a dominant lady. In truth the ratio is closer to 1000 to one! Worse yet, as with Barb and Herb, a man’s need often exceeds the woman’s interest in S&M.
For the lucky couple who find one another despite the mores, laws, and religions stacked against them, prolonging and preserving their special love is vital. To keep the passion glowing, the feelings intense, and both people satisfied, the partners might consider creative domination—at a distance, if you please.
Please visit now one of our other websites!
.gif)
If you have any questions, concerns, or wish to add your link to our pages,
please email
Nancy Ava Miller at
Nancy@peplove.com. Or
call
Nancy, any
hour