Dispelling the Myths about S&M
by Nancy Ava Miller, M.Ed.
So small talk. So innocent. So innocuous. So omni-present. How I love it!—That boring, cocktail party question: "What do you do for a living?"
Perhaps I'm expected to admit that I sizzle burgers at Sirloin Stockade, or that I stamp the backs of books for the downtown library. But, oh, the shock value in being able to reply: "I lead support groups for people who are into S&M."
I got the notion for PEP, by the way, when I published a classified blurb for a partner in the Albuquerque Journal. Such advertising could work, I knew, because I had once hooked a husband via a singles magazine. But I was not prepared for the 170 responses that stuffed my mailbox after the Journal announced:
Attractive dominant F seeks to own/love submissive, obedient gent (intelligent, sane, reliable, non-smoker, non-weirdo)...
The letters were still flowing in a year later. I scratched the top of my crew-cut and philosophized that there was more to this dominant-submissive stuff than one might imagine. There was a need here—a big need. And PEP was created to fill that need, that gap.
What is PEP? PEP is part Yenta the Matchmaker, part Parents Without Partners, part Eulenspiegel Society. Like Yenta, PEP is responsible for marriages and love affairs, for people finding girlfriends and boyfriends, and playmates and soulmates. The only difference: all involved hold an interest in dominant-submissive erotica. And like Parents Without Partners, PEP's main thrust is education.
Education plus lots of events—lectures, raps, workshops, demos, parties, pot luck dinners. And like the Eulenspiegel Society of New York City—the oldest S&M group in the nation, founded by Mr. Pat Bond in 1972—PEP is concerned with the passion, the beauty, the fun, the joy and the necessary safety precautions of dominant-submissive love. "Dominant-submissive love" I call it, because, like psychologist Havelock Ellis writing in 1942, I also have discovered that S&M and B&D, in fact, are based in love. Steeped in love—in caring, in sharing, in trust, and in communication—intimate communication. So state today's sex experts; so emphasize today's S&M practitioners.
Who practices S&M? I am relieved to report that it is not a bunch of Charlie Mansons, Sons of Sam, child molesters, child abusers, wife batterers, and rapists. Statistically, S&M enthusiasts are intelligent, well-educated, and self actualized. According to research, S&Mers are more psychologically sound than Mr. or Mrs. Average, with less tendency towards suicide. In addition, most S&Mers are happy with the proclivity towards dominance-submission; this uniqueness is often cherished, viewed by us as a special gift.
The Charlie Mansons? The Sons of Sam? The wife batterers? These people are all criminals, and not practicing S&M at all, since by definition S&M is consensual love-making. Sharon Tate and company did not blissfully consent to being murdered by Manson's "Family," and no one gave permission to Mr. Berkowitz for his shooting extravaganza in New York that humid summer—no one, of course, save the nagging voices in his tormented brain.
So S&M is not about rape...or abuse...or murder—despite the misconceptions and the myths. S&M (and PEP) involve an interplay of the roles of dominance and submission—of power and fantasy—in erotic relationships—in caring, consensual relationships.
Why join a group like PEP? Consider: in an age of AIDS, S&M offers an intelligent alternative to "vanilla" sex (a.k.a. "normal" sex).—Because with S&M you can experience a lot of fun and passion and sensuality without the infamous "exchange of body fluids" responsible for the spread of the HIV [virus].
In addition, PEP is a place where—sexually speaking—you can be yourself and be accepted. It's okay if you're transvestite. It's okay if you're Gay. It's okay if six-inch heels or pale toes with pink polish turn you on. It's okay if you lace your hubby to the banister with silk bandannas and tickle his armpit with a feather. Or perhaps you prefer the banister treatment. PEP is a support group which far transcends the bullwhips and handcuffs and the leather. Although the whips and cuffs—sanely, sensually, safely used— have their place too. And, as for leather, more than one pair of motorcycle boots have marched through the doors of PEP!
For women, PEP offers the ideal environment—lots of men! Reality: in any sexually oriented organization, you will find an overabundance of gents. Women, it seems, are not so drawn to sexual issues as men, and not so—let's admit it—obsessed with sex as men. You've heard that age-old complaint: "Where have all the 'good' men gone?" I pose that all the "good" men are busy attending PEP meetings! For the woman who can follow her natural inclinations towards dominance and submission—inherent in all of us, incidentally, and in all relationships—that woman will feel comfortable and at home at PEP—and appreciated!
Dominance-submission? S&M? B&D? What is it about these terms that sets folks to shuddering? What do we fear from these basic human concerns? Misunderstanding, misconception, and stereotyping have given this viable form of erotic love a bad reputation. But we can no longer afford to remain blind and prudish.
In a world with AIDS, we need new ways of relating to one another sexually, lovingly, sensually. After all, people will not—can not—cease having sex because of AIDS. S&M? B&D?—Perhaps the safest form of erotica today, in view of AIDS.
What do I do for a living? Shock value aside, I am proud to state that I am the founder of People Exchanging Power—in Albuquerque, D.C., Tuscon, and Phoenix, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Baltimore, Denver, and St. Louis. PEP: for men and women with dominant-submissive desires. It's an S&M group, by the way!
Please visit now one of our other websites!
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If you have any questions, concerns, or wish to add your link to our pages,
please email Nova at
PEP
Web Mistress@aol.com or
Nancy Ava Miller at
Nancy@peplove.com. Or
call Nova, any hour,
(505) 859-7630
or Nancy, any
hour